BTW College, Where Does My Tuition Go?

A: To a gambling nun.

Q: Really? Not to like...oh, I don't know, the library or something?

A: No, no, we're pretty sure it's a gambling nun. Just read this email from Brother James Ligouri, President of New Rochelle, New York's Iona College.

From: Email DistributionSent: Wednesday, October 27, 2010 1:41 PM
To: J-L Distribution List; M-O Distribution List; P-R Distribution List

Subject: STATEMENT FROM THE PRESIDENT

Iona College 715 North Avenue New Rochelle, NY 10801

For Immediate Release

Statement From The President of Iona College

NEW ROCHELLE, NY (October 27, 2010) On May 26, 2009, it had been brought to my attention that a senior school official was involved in misappropriation of funds. That senior official was immediately terminated. The College continued to act swiftly. On June 5th, forensic accountants were brought in to investigate allegations of waste, fraud and abuse. An exhaustive investigation was conducted over 6 months by experts in criminal investigations, forensic accounting and computer forensics. The investigation included interviews of Iona personnel and outside vendors. In addition, forensic analysis was conducted in a manner that identified the theft, how it occurred and whether other individuals were involved. Based on the firm’s findings, the College implemented additional procedures in order to safeguard against another situation. The College complied with regulatory reporting requirements.

Please rest assured that the College recovered a major amount of its loss.

Appropriate personnel actions were taken in accordance with our human resources practices. As per college policy, we do not discuss specific details of personnel matters. We have no further comment.

Seems all fairly straight forward and well taken care of. However, if there's one single solitary bit of information I have learned from my three and three-quarters years at college, it's that there is always an underbelly.

Yes, the underbelly is a sordid place. A muck filled gutter saturated with rumor-bloated facts; however, they are facts nonetheless. The hold some truth as to the reality on the surface, but whenever you hear a story like this, first you go to the underbelly. You may not get straight answers, but you'll get some hints that lead you in the right direction. And, the right direction, is usually just a few blocks over near the busted street lamp in the underbelly.

"There's always an underbelly." - Johnny Drama

(Not A College Graduate)

So, from the same anonymous source that forwarded me this lovely and pertinent email, I gathered a few rumors that a floating around The Iona College U. campus.

"If only you knew the rumors circulating at Iona on this one."

Yes, my anonymous source actually said that. My source also mentioned the following.

"Let me tell you. It was $800,000 over the course of 8 years."

When I think of a steamy hot pile of doozy, I think of $800,000. That's right, $100,000 per year, for 8 years. Well, thank our lucky damn stars that Iona students can "rest assured that the College recovered a major amount of its loss" as President Ligouri said.

"And Iona is not getting any of it back, despite what the email says."

Holy bologna, a double-doozy. Now, remember, I have no idea if this is actually true. I just went straight to the underbelly and checked no additional sources. Well, except this one from CBS news. Give it a listen.

All very important information, especially those security uniforms.

The most important information, however, comes right towards the end there.

"So, the college recovered some of the $800,000 but won’t say how much..."

If I say I ate some of a hot dog, that means I could have eaten everything except one bite, or it could mean I took just one bite. The Iona College U. could have recovered $700,000, or just $100. Either way, the rumor is possibly true because The Iona College U. "[does] not discuss specific details of personnel matters," and "[they] have no further comment." Therefore, I'm just gonna go with the rumor, assume the college is lying, and that they recovered none of it. That is, of course, until The Iona College U. decides to change that policy.

So, if we go to this page of The Iona College U. website, and we do all the math, we learn that it costs around $40,000 a year to attend this prestigious institution. Thus, whoever embezzled the $800,000, basically kidnapped 5 students, paying $40,000 a year for four years.

So, who, you ask, is responsible for kidnapping 5 college students via embezzlement. Unfortunately, CBS already gave it away. It was Sister Marie Thornton a.k.a "Sister Susie".

Digression: Thornton, "Sister Susie" is a terrible heist alias.

However, my anonymous source reveals it in a much sexier way.

"Stolen by a nun to apparently support a gambling habit."

Digression: Thornton, "Sister Susie" is a terrible gambling alias.

I know in Catholicism a "habit" is the tunic and veil worn by nuns, but in the gambling industry a "habit" is an addiction. Of course, now that we know "Sister Susie" in her habit had a gambling "habit", which she placated with the $800,000 she embezzled from The Iona College U, we can kinda-sorta deduce that about...pretty much all the fucking $800,000 is gone.

See, I'm not sure if The Iona College U. is aware of how gambling works, or if it is aware that everyone else is aware how gambling works, but if you gamble money, and you lose, which is highly likely, then you don't ever get that money back. I'm not sure how "Sister Susie's" poker face was, but if "it [was] unclear where [she] was Wednesday," and CBS' "attempts to reach her were unsuccessful," then I think we can assume one of two things.

1. "Sister Susie" had a phenomenal poker face. She adopted a new alias of equal or lesser quality and departed for the Caribbean with the $800,00, or her sizable winnings from it.

2. "Sister Susie" had an atrocious poker face. She still adopted a new alias of equal or lesser quality and departed for the Mid-West of America with almost no money to live a life of quiet poverty.

Digression: She's a nun, she's supposed to live in silent poverty anyway.

Of course, this is all just a rumor from the underbelly. However, remember what that mafioso looking fellow said in the CBS report.

"The college...won't say...what they think the stolen money was used for."

...and...

"[The Iona College U.] [doesn't] want to talk about...why [they] didn't report the theft immediately, or file a criminal complaint."

This is very surprising to anyone who read President Lingouri's statement because he uses lots of official words like "forensic accountants", "experts in criminal investigations," "experts in...computing forensics," and "forensic analysis", which all sound like the police or the SEC or the FBI but aren't. Instead, The Iona College U. used a "firm".

As that Aaron Eckhart looking CBS reporter said, The Iona College U. is steeped in "embezzlement and embarrassment," and what could be more embarrassing than a nun stealing $800,000? A nun stealing $800,000 to support a gambling "habit".

Rumor? Yes, but within these underbelly circumstances, not to

hard to imagine.

One final tid-bit from my anonymous source.

"And to top it off, one of the honors kids who works in the offices told me he discovered the missing money last year and asked them about it. This kid was also the editor of the school newspaper at the time. They didn't tell the kid anything."

Well, as CBS says, "Sister Susie" was fired about a year ago, and as President Ligouri says in his email, a 6 month investigation was conducted. Therefore, The Iona College U. probably already knew about the missing $800,00, and didn't tell The Kid anything because student employees constantly nagging administrators about hundreds of thousands of dollars in missing cash must get pretty frustrating.

Moral Of The Story: Remember, when you're paying for college, you may run into an administrator who embezzles some cash. Not the college's fault. Bad people get into good institutions. However, more importantly, you're paying for the college to cover itself up, address a crime in an obtuse and opaque manner. I'm not saying they have to go to the government authorities about this. I don't like the state. However, when you're paying a business $40,000 a year, and they lose $800,000 of their own money to an inside man, you should expect to be treated with the courtesy of openness about how the money was stolen, what did they do to investigate, what did they do to try to recover it, and what are they doing to avoid this in the future. Of course, College "does not discuss specific details of personnel matter," and "[it] has no further comment." Strange, are they trying to hide something else? It is in the underbelly. Everything has one. College has a morbidly obese underbelly.

It's a great day to be a Gopher.

Tale From The Vending Machine

Having The Diabeetus, I require certain supplies for daily survival. Key among them is food, which is considerably more difficult to find on campus than you think. The college would be better off issuing me a bow and arrow, so I could hunt my own food.

Positives:

1. Continuous culling of massive on campus deer infestation.

2. I get to eat venison!

However, all the deer are infected with Lyme disease, and the college is grossly under-prepared to address a student wide Lyme epidemic. I mean, the Swine Flu Task Force is still trying to come up with a solution. Come on, Task Force, Swine Flu is so 2009.

Therefore, because of the Lyme disease combined with the bread lines, crowded dinning halls, and limited hours, I must horde my own food to satisfy my The Diabeetus. Thus, I own (well, now it's owned) Count Chocula, which I was going to eat to counter an impeding sugar low.

If you are unaware of the deluscious magic that is Count Chocula, it is a ceral. (IT HAS CHOCOLATE MARSHMALLOWS!) Therefore, it demands milk. Unfortunately, the college limits the watt usage per micro-fridge, negatively affecting its efficiency, which prematurely rendered the milk sour and the Count Chocula inedible.

"Clever ploy college! But you will not sicken/smite me so easily!" I thought aloud in my dorm room, which fortunately, is a single, allowing me to avoid the embarrassment of appearing like crazy person, who believes he is Victorian Era England.

Subsequently, I journeyed to the nearest vending machine and purchased a Milky Way and Big Texas Cinnamon Roll. YUM! However, before leaving with my treasures, I noticed a bag of Smart Food White Cheddar Popcorn was hanging precariously on the edge of a spiral dispenser. The prospect of two bags of Smart Food White Cheddar Popcorn for the price of one tickled my fancy. I purchased one. The spiral dispenser spun and spun, pushing and pushing the second bag forward like a mother trying to birth the first twin with the force of the second. To my surprise, neither plopped out. Why? Because a bag of Peppercorn Ranch Sun Chips pinned them back. I purchased a bag of Peppercorn Ranch Sun Chips, only to see the fate of the Smart Food White Cheddar Popcorn unfold a second time. This time, Synder's of Hanover's Sticks of Pretzels was responsible for impeding my steal-of-a-deal. I purchased them. They fell. Success! Finally! My plunder was in motion! I purchased the Peppercorn Ranch Sun Chips a second time. Two bags fell. The Smart Food White Cheddar Popcorn was free and waiting. They were calling to me. Beckoning to me. Was I man enough to take? Of course, nothing could slow my advance. I purchased them, and three bags fell accordingly. Oh, sweet victory! I pushed door open, and...THE FOOD WAS BLOCKING THE DOOR!

So close to my spoils, only to have my treasure so bountiful that it prevents my seizure of it. I pushed and pushed, but the food did not yield. It was as if the college were saying it did not accept cash. Anti-capitalist jackanapes!

I gave a great shove, and the door jammed. The bags of sensational snacks seemed to sneak out a peek and mockingly wave.

I pried the door open and thought aloud, "Damn this sordid place to high heaven! (Unfortunately, this was in a fairly populated area of campus, and I am now known as, "That Victorian Guy.") So be it! My passions were high! I had found a solitary pleasure born on this salted soil, and I would not allow it to so brazenly toy with my emotions!

With my swashbuckling rage, I shoved the door in, popping the bags, spraying their innards throughout that wretched machine.

I bellowed with blood lust. Tearing my spoils from the mechanical chest of treats, I stole away to my dorm to feast heartily.

See, it is a metaphor. The college is the vending machine, caging my goals, pleasures, progress, success. I am myself, the purchaser, paying my tuition with the assumption that the college will help me reach my goals, the ones it is advertising through its plastic window. However, the college is a lying tease, withholding the goals after I have paid the college for them. The only way for me to attain my goals is to shove the college, force it to do what it desires not, then I can rip my goals from its sinister grasp.

It's a great day to be a Gopher.

My Top 5 Favorite Things About Not Being At College

I'm a senior in college, and I just returned from mid-semester break. This is the first year I ever left college for mid-semester break. While away, I wondered why I had never traveled away from college before. However, upon returning to campus and awaking for classes, I realized why.

School is terrible. High school is terrible. College, is also, most certainly terrible. Of course, if I have been at college for a few solid months, I become desensitized to it's plethora of irksome qualities. It's like when you were a wee child, and your annoying baby sister kept poking in the arm. After about ten minutes of poking, you think to yourself, "Hey, this ain't that bad. I mean, it's not comfortable by a long shot, but it's easily tolerable." However, if your sister stops poking you for a mere 30 seconds and then revs up into full poking mode after that, suddenly you're thinking, "FUCKING CHRIST! THIS IS WORSE THAN GENOCIDE!" Well, I'm in that stage right now. The stage when I have returned from a moment of fun and comfort to a congress of annoyance, and I'm thinking, "God, being kidnapped by bank robbers, who will use me as a hostage in their negotiations has to be better than this. I mean, even the Gopher mascot looks surly."

In turn, like every other modern man, I have decided to self-medicate my frustration with the best over-the-counter drug: The Interwebs (All of them). Best Part of This: My school pays for The Interwebs i.e. it's paying to be insulted.

Here are My Top 5 Favorite Things About Not Being At College


5. When I'm hungry, I go to the fridge. I don't have to wait in a line that is competing with the lengths of Great Depression Bread Lines.

4. I do not regularly experience the majesty of an inebriated man talking to me with soiled breath about mundane shit.

3. After using the shower, I don't have to drape myself in a towel and make the awkward walk past eight open rooms to my own dorm.

2. When I sit down on the toilet to drop a deuce, my head is not half an inch from a wall mounted tin, containing the finest in on-campus feminine blood.

1. While alone with someone, I do not hear mood-killing, asinine, hall conversations.

It's a great fucking day to be a Gopher.