My Top 5 Favorite Things About Not Being At College

I'm a senior in college, and I just returned from mid-semester break. This is the first year I ever left college for mid-semester break. While away, I wondered why I had never traveled away from college before. However, upon returning to campus and awaking for classes, I realized why.

School is terrible. High school is terrible. College, is also, most certainly terrible. Of course, if I have been at college for a few solid months, I become desensitized to it's plethora of irksome qualities. It's like when you were a wee child, and your annoying baby sister kept poking in the arm. After about ten minutes of poking, you think to yourself, "Hey, this ain't that bad. I mean, it's not comfortable by a long shot, but it's easily tolerable." However, if your sister stops poking you for a mere 30 seconds and then revs up into full poking mode after that, suddenly you're thinking, "FUCKING CHRIST! THIS IS WORSE THAN GENOCIDE!" Well, I'm in that stage right now. The stage when I have returned from a moment of fun and comfort to a congress of annoyance, and I'm thinking, "God, being kidnapped by bank robbers, who will use me as a hostage in their negotiations has to be better than this. I mean, even the Gopher mascot looks surly."

In turn, like every other modern man, I have decided to self-medicate my frustration with the best over-the-counter drug: The Interwebs (All of them). Best Part of This: My school pays for The Interwebs i.e. it's paying to be insulted.

Here are My Top 5 Favorite Things About Not Being At College


5. When I'm hungry, I go to the fridge. I don't have to wait in a line that is competing with the lengths of Great Depression Bread Lines.

4. I do not regularly experience the majesty of an inebriated man talking to me with soiled breath about mundane shit.

3. After using the shower, I don't have to drape myself in a towel and make the awkward walk past eight open rooms to my own dorm.

2. When I sit down on the toilet to drop a deuce, my head is not half an inch from a wall mounted tin, containing the finest in on-campus feminine blood.

1. While alone with someone, I do not hear mood-killing, asinine, hall conversations.

It's a great fucking day to be a Gopher.