Tale From The Vending Machine

Having The Diabeetus, I require certain supplies for daily survival. Key among them is food, which is considerably more difficult to find on campus than you think. The college would be better off issuing me a bow and arrow, so I could hunt my own food.

Positives:

1. Continuous culling of massive on campus deer infestation.

2. I get to eat venison!

However, all the deer are infected with Lyme disease, and the college is grossly under-prepared to address a student wide Lyme epidemic. I mean, the Swine Flu Task Force is still trying to come up with a solution. Come on, Task Force, Swine Flu is so 2009.

Therefore, because of the Lyme disease combined with the bread lines, crowded dinning halls, and limited hours, I must horde my own food to satisfy my The Diabeetus. Thus, I own (well, now it's owned) Count Chocula, which I was going to eat to counter an impeding sugar low.

If you are unaware of the deluscious magic that is Count Chocula, it is a ceral. (IT HAS CHOCOLATE MARSHMALLOWS!) Therefore, it demands milk. Unfortunately, the college limits the watt usage per micro-fridge, negatively affecting its efficiency, which prematurely rendered the milk sour and the Count Chocula inedible.

"Clever ploy college! But you will not sicken/smite me so easily!" I thought aloud in my dorm room, which fortunately, is a single, allowing me to avoid the embarrassment of appearing like crazy person, who believes he is Victorian Era England.

Subsequently, I journeyed to the nearest vending machine and purchased a Milky Way and Big Texas Cinnamon Roll. YUM! However, before leaving with my treasures, I noticed a bag of Smart Food White Cheddar Popcorn was hanging precariously on the edge of a spiral dispenser. The prospect of two bags of Smart Food White Cheddar Popcorn for the price of one tickled my fancy. I purchased one. The spiral dispenser spun and spun, pushing and pushing the second bag forward like a mother trying to birth the first twin with the force of the second. To my surprise, neither plopped out. Why? Because a bag of Peppercorn Ranch Sun Chips pinned them back. I purchased a bag of Peppercorn Ranch Sun Chips, only to see the fate of the Smart Food White Cheddar Popcorn unfold a second time. This time, Synder's of Hanover's Sticks of Pretzels was responsible for impeding my steal-of-a-deal. I purchased them. They fell. Success! Finally! My plunder was in motion! I purchased the Peppercorn Ranch Sun Chips a second time. Two bags fell. The Smart Food White Cheddar Popcorn was free and waiting. They were calling to me. Beckoning to me. Was I man enough to take? Of course, nothing could slow my advance. I purchased them, and three bags fell accordingly. Oh, sweet victory! I pushed door open, and...THE FOOD WAS BLOCKING THE DOOR!

So close to my spoils, only to have my treasure so bountiful that it prevents my seizure of it. I pushed and pushed, but the food did not yield. It was as if the college were saying it did not accept cash. Anti-capitalist jackanapes!

I gave a great shove, and the door jammed. The bags of sensational snacks seemed to sneak out a peek and mockingly wave.

I pried the door open and thought aloud, "Damn this sordid place to high heaven! (Unfortunately, this was in a fairly populated area of campus, and I am now known as, "That Victorian Guy.") So be it! My passions were high! I had found a solitary pleasure born on this salted soil, and I would not allow it to so brazenly toy with my emotions!

With my swashbuckling rage, I shoved the door in, popping the bags, spraying their innards throughout that wretched machine.

I bellowed with blood lust. Tearing my spoils from the mechanical chest of treats, I stole away to my dorm to feast heartily.

See, it is a metaphor. The college is the vending machine, caging my goals, pleasures, progress, success. I am myself, the purchaser, paying my tuition with the assumption that the college will help me reach my goals, the ones it is advertising through its plastic window. However, the college is a lying tease, withholding the goals after I have paid the college for them. The only way for me to attain my goals is to shove the college, force it to do what it desires not, then I can rip my goals from its sinister grasp.

It's a great day to be a Gopher.